The Horrors of Valentines Day
by Shadow's Firebird
Summary: When Orochimaru is feeling particularly festive, chaos ensues! The classic truth or dare fic! I was going to rate it M to be safe, but it's mostly crack anyway. Yes, I know it's July. Sue me.


PLEASE READ!

Kage: Okay, Anko, Sakura and a lot of guys in this story aren't part of the Sound Village.

**Hoshi: We needed more characters, so a few have been put in Orochimaru's group and others are visiting.**

**Kage: Sorry for any confusion! ^_^**

Kabuto was pressed against the black wall behind him, more terrified than he'd ever been in his life. Even sitting through dozens of massacres in the past weren't as bad as this.

"Isn't it beautiful Kabuto?" Orochimaru chirped gleefully.

The silver-haired teen wiped his forehead. "U-um…Orochimaru-sama, I can understand why you'd want to be festive," He gestured to the totally remodeled room around them. "But isn't this a bit much?"

He was referring to the main meeting hall, which the snake Sennin had decorated for valentine's day. The walls of the room, save for the one he was up against, had been painted a brilliant hot pink. Small paper hearts stuck to every available surface. Colorful chains of cupids and more hearts covered any area they had missed. On top of that, the chairs had been changed from decrepit and wooden to soft and plushy, with fuzzy red seat covers. Kabuto felt as if he would vomit.

"Aw, where's your spirit?" Orochimaru laughed, hugging his second-in-command around the neck. "It's Valentines Day! The day of hearts, and little winged babies in diapers! The day of chocolate and candy as far as the eye can see! And…" He ran his finger up Kabuto's throat. "The day of romance."

The teen backed away immediately, his hand tightly holding his neck where Orochimaru had touched it. "I-I don't need any romance, sir. Kindly leave me out of your sick games."

At this, the black haired man clapped. "You won't be left out, dear Kabuto! No one will! I've decided to make this a special event!"

"Oro – "

Kabuto was cut off by the Sennin grabbing a microphone. The loudspeaker echoed his voice into the rooms and corridors.

"Attention all minions and guests of the Sound Village!" He shouted. "Since today is Valentine's Day, I have a special treat for you! Please come to the main meeting hall at once. Anyone who disobeys will be fed to Manda for lunch."

He bounced away from the machine happily, listening to the pounding of footsteps outside the door. Several people burst into the room, desperate to hear Orochimaru's announcement. (And more importantly, escape Manda's wrath.)

"Lord Orochimaru," Anko greeted, bowing. She stood in line with her companions.

"Hello Anko!" Orochimaru replied.

Several of his subordinates were shocked at his cheerful behavior, as well as some of the captives. Sakura put her hand on her hip, the tracking bracelet blinking silently.

"What's this all about, Pasty?" She snapped. "You better not be planning to use us for some gross experiment."

Orochimaru laughed. "Don't worry about that, my dear Pinky. I have a game for you all to play."

Everyone stood at attention, wondering what horrifying, disgusting game the snake Sennin had come up with.

"I hope I don't need this," Kimimaro murmured, gently twitching the sharp hipbone just above his leg.

"Okay! Does anyone know what we're going to play?" Orochimaru asked.

No one spoke. No one even breathed.

"Uh…" Kabuto voiced.

Orochimaru pulled him into a playful noogie. "C'mon, Kabuto! Don't be shy, tell them what we're playing!"

"B-but sir, I don't know what we're playing!" The silver haired teen yelped, trying to loosen the older man's grasp.

Sasuke stared in shock at the two. _'What kind of drug is Orochimaru on?!'_

"Alright, I guess I'll tell you," Orochimaru giggled. He put his hand by his mouth, as if sharing a secret. "We're playing truth or dare."

"Pft. Fuck this," Deidara sneered, turning away. "I'm not playing that dumb child's game."

"Oh yes you are!" Orochimaru retaliated. "Otherwise, you get to be food for my little Mandy!"

Deidara gulped. "A-all right. Just don't let me get picked by Anko."

The woman snickered wildly, holding her stomach. The blonde man slowly backed away.

"I don't want to either," Ino whined.

Orochimaru glared at the group, his happy mood darkening.

"You'll all play," He hissed. "Or I'll do much worse than feed you to Manda."

Immediately, everyone sat in a circle. Orochimaru sat at an open spot near his feet, in between Kabuto and Anko. Sakura was next to the silver haired teen, followed by Ino, Kimimaro, Deidara and Sasuke. All of them (with the exception of Anko and Orochimaru) were trembling with fear.

"Whoot! I love truth or dare!" Anko cheered, pulling out a kunai.

The snake Sennin clapped. "Good enthusiasm, Anko! As a reward, you get to go first!"

"Sweet!" The black haired woman shouted, placing the kunai in the middle of the circle. She flicked her finger against the point, sending it into a wild spin. When it stopped, it was pointed at Sasuke.

"God help me," The teen mumbled.

"Truth or dare?" Anko asked.

Deciding against doing one of Anko's dares, he opened his mouth to say truth. However, before he even uttered a word Orochimaru cut him off.

"You only get to pick truth once," He decided. "And we shouldn't start out with scary dares. That'll make you want to save it."

Sasuke swallowed heavily. "Fine. D…dare."

The black haired woman pointed at Sakura triumphantly. "Kiss Sakura!"

"Way to go, Anko!" The medical girl squealed. She jumped on Sasuke and kissed him in a frenzy of flailing limbs and indignant shouts. A few seconds later, she got off, cheeks pink and full of elation. On the other hand, Sasuke looked very disheveled.

"My turn," He growled, grabbing the kunai. It spun in the middle of the circle for a moment before stopping on Kimimaro.

'_Well…could be worse,' _the bone ninja thought.

"Remove the bone in your right thumb and swallow it," Sasuke ordered.

Kimimaro blinked in shock at him. "B-but…I need my thumb! I can't get those bones back for a good two days!"

"Want to save your truth, or use it now?" Kabuto asked, starting to enjoy the game.

The whinette pondered this for a moment. "F…fine."

With a squelch, the end of his thumb split open and the bone segments fell into his other hand. Grimacing, he swallowed them.

"Ick!" Sakura and Ino yelled.

"Cool!" Anko added.

Kimimaro spun the kunai with his good hand, his frown changing to an almighty smirk when it stopped at Orochimaru.

"Gimme a good dare!" the Sennin ordered happily.

Kimimaro cast a vengeful glance at Sasuke before saying, "Put one of your little pet snakes into Uchiha's underwear."

"What the…no way!" Sasuke protested.

Orochimaru however, was disappointed by the simplicity of the dare. He snapped his fingers, summoning a small snake. With a giggle, he pulled the back of Sasuke's shorts and briefs and dropped the snake inside. The teen let out a yelp as the waistband snapped against his skin.

"W-woah!" He stuttered. "This snake isn't very calm, is it?"

Kimimaro snickered.

"My turn!" Orochimaru cheered. He spun the kunai rapidly, following it with his eyes. An atmosphere of terror took over as is landed on Deidara.

'_Sh-shit. Worse than Anko,' _He thought. _'Well…maybe not.'_

"Stick your hand down Kabuto's pants," The Sennin instructed, "And use your tongue."

The silver haired teen's face turned white, along with Deidara's. The blonde looked at the sharp-toothed mouth on his hand.

'_Definitely worse than Anko.'_

Coincidentally, the black haired woman looked over at him and winked. A sudden sense of fear overtook him as he decided to save his truth for an even scarier dare.

"S…sorry Kabuto," He murmured, crawling over.

Kabuto's face turned bright red as he felt the thin hand creeping under his waistband. The fingers brushed against his dark briefs. Slowly, Deidara pushed the tongue out of the mouth on his hand and licked the fabric.

"Ack!" He shouted.

He jerked his hand out of Kabuto's pants. The silver haired teen now resembled a beet with glasses. A collective laugh rang out as Deidara returned to his spot.

"I think I'm starting to like this game," Sakura snickered.

"Gimme that," Deidara snapped, snatching the kunai off the floor. He violently spun it, the end hitting Ino in the foot.

"Ouch!" Ino shrieked.

The point of the weapon slowed down and stopped in front of Sakura.

"DAMN IT!" The pinkette shouted.

Deidara grinned evilly. "I dare you to..." He glanced at Orochimaru. "Kiss 'Pasty'."

"Uh, HELL no!" Sakura retaliated.

"You could use your truth," Sasuke interjected. "But if a worse dare comes up, then you don't have a choice."

Sakura blinked momentarily at the ebony haired teen, then at Anko. Without hesitation, she walked over to the Sennin.

"Move your tongue at all, and I'll chop it off," She hissed.

Orochimaru winked at her. "He never said on the lips."

Smirking, Sakura quickly pecked his cheek and sat back down, brutally rubbing the taste off her lips.

"Barf. My turn."

The kunai spun again, slowing to a stop in front of Kabuto.

'_WHAT DID I DO WRONG?!' _He thought to himself. _'WHY ARE YOU PUNISHING ME LIKE THIS?!'_

"Hmm…" Sakura thought for a moment.

Sweat started to form on Kabuto's head.

"I dare you to pass this dare to Anko, so she gets to choose what you do!"

Kabuto's eyes grew wide. "I'll take the truth!"

"Really?" Orochimaru said, raising an eyebrow. "Why don't you hear Anko's dare first, then take the truth?"

Kabuto nodded sheepishly. "Alright, let's do that."

Laughing maniacally, Anko jumped up. She ripped off the warriors outfit she was wearing to reveal a very lingerie-ish leather outfit and a whip strapped to her side.

"SPEND TEN MINUTES IN THE CLOSET WITH ME, BABY!" She shouted triumphantly.

Kabuto nearly passed out. "I'll take the truth," He said voicelessly, his face dark red.

Anko sighed. "Okay. I'll save it for Deidara or Sasuke." Totally ignoring the two boys' splutter of protest, she spoke up. "Kabuto! Are you a virgin?"

Cheeks still red, Kabuto nodded.

Deidara laughed. "And you're nineteen? Ah hah! Guess the only action around here would be with Sakura or Ino!"

Kabuto's face continued to redden. Anko tackled Deidara, her eyes teary and chibi-ish.

"What about me?" She cried. "I want some action!"

"HELP! KIMIMARO! STAB HER WITH YOUR KNEECAP!"

The whinette blinked. "It's round. How do I stab her with it?"

"THEN THUNK HER IN THE HEAD!"

Shrugging, Kimimaro popped out his left kneecap and shucked it at Anko's head. The black haired woman fell down, out cold.

"THANK GOD!" A collective cry rang out.

"Okay, on with the game," Orochimaru blurted, passing the kunai to Kabuto.

It spun around, landing coincidentally on Sakura.

'_Damn, damn, damn, damn, DAMN!'_

Kabuto sat for a moment, trying to think of an evil enough dare. He noticed Anko unconscious, and decided to borrow her idea.

"Spend ten minutes in the closet," He said, "With Orochimaru."

All the color left Sakura's face. "Uh…no."

Ino laughed, patting her on the shoulder. "Well, you know what they say, Sakura. Payback's a bitch."

Sakura sighed. "Heck, I'll take the truth."

Kabuto looked confused. "What if Anko wakes up?"

"She's a girl," She explained. "She won't want to get it on with me."

"Yeah, but she might dare you to get it on with Oroch – "

"THE DARE! OKAY! REAL FAST!"

Sakura dragged the snake Sennin into a nearby closet. As soon as they were inside, she bound him with ninjutsu.

"Just don't breathe, and we'll both be fine."

- - - - - - -

Ten minutes later, Sakura stepped out of the closet followed by a very blue-faced Orochimaru. The man collapsed on the ground, gasping for breath. Sakura smiled cutely, grabbing the kunai and spinning it. It slowed to a stop on Deidara, who grimaced.

"This is easy," The pinkette said. "Wake Anko up."

A bubble of freezing water appeared above Deidara's fingertip and floated over to Anko. It splashed on her face, jerking her back to earth.

"I SAID EXTRA SYRUP!" She shouted. Then she looked around. "Oh hey! Is it my turn?"

"No, mine," Deidara grumbled. The weapon spun around again, twirling to a corner of the circle until it stopped on Kimimaro.

"Whew," He said in relief. "I thought I was in troub – "

"KISS ANKO!" Deidara ordered.

Without warning, Anko attacked the poor whinette and engaged in a fierce lip lock. After about two minutes of Kimimaro tapping her back, the black haired woman got off.

"Whoot!" She exclaimed. "Boy can kiss!"

Kimimaro blushed, trying to catch his breath. He ripped the kunai out of Deidara's hands and spun it.

"Oh shit," Sasuke muttered, watching it stop in front of him. He knew the bone ninja would want more revenge for making him swallow his thumb.

Kimimaro laughed evilly. "Sasuke…I dare you to…HUG THE LOG!"

"NOOO!" Sasuke wailed, falling on the floor.

Orochimaru summoned a large log right in front of the teen. It made a satisfying thunk on the floor. The ebony haired boy swallowed, before reaching forward and wrapping his arms around the bark. In protest, small spikes of wood erupted all over it, stabbing into Sasuke's arms.

"AAGH! THE SPLINTERS!"

Sakura frowned sympathetically at the boy and quickly removed the splinters. Once he was healed, he snatched the kunai out of the middle of the floor and threw it into a spin. Grinning, he watched it land on Deidara. Just as he was about to open his mouth, Anko winked suspiciously.

"Okay then," He said, rubbing his hands together. "I'm feeling particularly nice tonight. Deidara, you only have to spend _one_ minute in a closet with Anko."

"YEAH BABY!" Anko bellowed, pulling the blonde across the floor by his sleeve.

Deidara waved his other arm wildly. "I'll take the truth! I'll take the truth!"

Anko sighed in defeat, letting go of his Akatsuki robe. The blonde crawled across the floor at lightning speed, hiding behind Sakura. The pinkette proceeded to whack him in the head with her tracking bracelet.

"Go back to your own spot, you sissy," She snapped.

Suddenly, the bracelet broke, falling to the floor. Sakura's eyes widened. She jumped to her feet, shouting triumphantly.

"I'M FREE!" She bellowed. "FUCK YEAH! I'M FREE, I'M FREE!"

In the blink of an eye, she jumped on Sasuke, kissing him fiercely. The black haired teen repeatedly kicked her in the shins, effectively driving her away. Then, she ran out, ran back in, kissed Deidara and Kabuto, and shot out the door and back to Konohagakure, screaming in excitement the whole way there. Sasuke vomited all over the back wall while Kabuto and Deidara were brutally rubbing their lips.

"That…damn…traitor!" Ino roared. "Running off and leaving me here! I've had enough of this!"

She jumped on Deidara, feeling around in his pockets wildly.

"HOLY SHIT!" The blonde man yelled, flailing his arms in terror. "KEEP YOUR DAMN HANDS OUT OF THERE YOU RAPIST!"

Ino cheered as she pulled a wad of explosive clay out of Deidara's right front pocket. She slammed it into her tracking bracelet, effectively breaking it in half and blowing her hand clean off. Ignoring her now stub of a left hand, she dashed out of the room, writing "GAYWADS" on the wall with her bleeding stub. After about ten minutes of running, she collapsed from blood loss.

Orochimaru sighed. "Well, that's two less girls for our game."

"FUCK YES!" Anko exclaimed. "This means _I_ get all the action!"

Kimimaro blinked. "Uh…whose turn is it?"

"Mine," Deidara replied, grabbing the kunai.

"Hey! You didn't even get a question for your truth!" Kabuto protested.

Deidara slashed the kunai through the air, cracking the silver haired man's glasses.

"DEAL WITH IT, FOUR EYES!"

The kunai spun, moving far faster than it should have. Slowly, it stopped, everyone watching in anticipation. Deidara grinned as it landed on Orochimaru.

"I dare you to…" The blonde thought for a moment. While he was thinking, Anko leaned over to whisper an idea. Deidara grinned evilly for a moment before the mentally unstable woman stuck her tongue in his ear. She was thrown into one of the plushy red chairs a few feet away, knocking her unconscious again.

Orochimaru waved his hands. "Oh! Oh! Something scary! Give me something scary!"

Deidara rubbed his temples, thinking. Suddenly, he snapped his fingers.

"Steal the underwear of the one person here that you'd love to wreck."

Everyone watched in utter fear, even Deidara as he realized what he just said. However, Orochimaru's eyes drifted to Kabuto, an evil grin spreading across his face. The silver haired man's face grew bright red with both mortification and absolute terror. He ran frantically around the room, searching for the door. The Snake Sennin though, was faster. He tackled the poor medic to the ground. Kabuto thrashed like a lunatic, kicking every inch of Orochimaru he could reach. Getting a good shot in, he pushed the Sennin's face back with his foot. Orochimaru's arms stretched past Kabuto's leg, reaching for the man's waistband.

"C'mon!" Orochimaru yelled, a maniacal grin on his face. "I just want to see 'em! Do you wear boxers or briefs?"

Sasuke and Kimimaro fell to the ground laughing. "OR A THONG!"

Kabuto's face turned bright red. He kicked the Sennin repeatedly in the jaw, but unfortunately, a white hand grabbed the edge of his pants and pulled them down, revealing a pair of plain black briefs.

Orochimaru sat on the floor, pouting. "Aw man. That's boring."

Deidara cackled. "You still have to steal them!"

"AHH!" Kabuto shouted, trying to escape. However, his pants fell down to his ankles, tripping him. Orochimaru jumped on him again, clawing blindly for his underwear. As fate would have it though, the Sennin ended up shredding every other article of his clothing in the process. Kabuto finally ran away, standing on a safer side of the room in just his undies. His broken glasses were on the floor some twenty feet away, along with the split remains of his hair tie.

"DAMN IT!" Orochimaru howled. "After all that work, I get nothing!"

Anko on the other hand, was reawakened and drooling at Kabuto's sudden un-nerd-ified appearance. "Yeah, but I get something!"

She leapt through the air, missing her well-aimed glomp by a few inches. Kabuto stared trembling at her now crumpled form. She looked up, head spinning and several teeth missing from the contact with the cement wall.

"H-old still, dammut," She said dizzily, getting to her feet. "I'm gonna rape you if ish the lasht thing I do!"

In all the excitement, the snake in Sasuke's pants started to freak out, slithering around wildly.

"Make it stop!" The teen bellowed, running around in circles. A loud "chomp" was heard, followed by Sasuke's eyes watering in pain. "AAAAGH! IT BIT ME! IT BIT ME IN THE - !"

Suddenly, there was a loud rumbling sound just down the hall. The snake fell out of Sasuke's shorts, taking them down with it. As it slithered away, the teen stumbled and fell to the ground, a toppled chair catching on his shirt and pulling it up. Everyone waited, the rumbling growing louder. Then, the most horrible thing that could've happened…happened. They burst through the door, eyes wide and shiny and drool dripping from their mouths. A collective cry of horror rang out.

"FANGIRLS!!!"

The fangirls filed in, moving as a pack. A short redheaded girl, who seemed to be the leader of the herd, stepped forward, a pen in her fist.

"We have come to ravish our half-naked bishies!" She announced, holding the pen high.

Sasuke wriggled out of his constricting shirt and shorts, realizing far to late that he was surrounded. He stood in his blue briefs, sweat rolling off his head. A large group of girls with the Uchiha symbol pasted on their foreheads circled around him.

"Uchiha kawaii chibi smut squee?" They cried in unison.

Sasuke swallowed. "Anyone know what they said?"

No one replied, too scared to move. Anko however, jumped onto the table, her shorts now on her head.

"Bishies squee yaoi rape pocky! Plushie uber smut GLOOOOOOMP!" She cheered.

The Sasuke fangirls cheered right along with her, attacking the poor boy into the ground. They crowded out another door, Sasuke held high above their heads. The lipstick covered teen screamed wildly as he was taken off into the abyss and never seen again.

Kabuto on the other hand, was faced with a slightly smaller but more rabid group of fangirls, all of them with a music note tattooed to their faces.

"H…help?" He squeaked.

A black haired girl lifted him over her head, grinning maniacally. "MY LOYAL KABUTARDS! TO THE SMUTTY CHAMBER OF NO RETURN!"

Everyone watched the herd of purple-clad fangirls march off, attacking Kabuto even as they walked. Deidara and Kimimaro stared in awe while Orochimaru and Anko just drooled.

"Kabuto has a fanclub?" Kimimaro asked.

Deidara was shocked. "Kabuto has FANS?!"

One fangirl in round spectacles came back and slapped him in the face. "YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT HE HAS FANS!" She jumped up and stood on Deidara's fallen form, pumping her fist in the air. "RAMEN PLUSHIE KAWAII DESU! YAOI YAOIIIIII!"

She shot after her fellow Kabutards, cheering. Deidara got to his feet as he brushed the footprints off his Akatsuki robe. In a matter of seconds, he was surrounded by even scarier fangirls, all of them wearing identical robes.

"Ah-kat-su-ki!" They chanted. "Ah-kat-su-ki! Ah-kat-su-ki!"

Deidara felt himself being lifted into the air. He flung his arms out, hoping that _anyone _would grab his hand and rescue him.

Well, almost anyone.

Anko jerked him back from the hoard of girls, glaring murderously.

"BACK OFF BITCHES! HE'S MIIIINE!" She hissed.

The girls skittered away, shrieking in terror. Anko held the blonde man to her chest, blood dripping from her nose.

"C'mon, baby!" She cried, her cheeks pink with excitement. "There's a closet a few rooms away with our name on it!"

She ran off, Deidara draped over her shoulder. The man yelled loudly, waving his hands.

"HELP! BRING THE FANGIRLS BACK! ANYTHING! _ANYTHI-HI-HING!"_

Suddenly, Orochimaru and Kimimaro were standing all alone, both of their fangirls scared off by Anko. They looked back and forth at each other before sighing.

"So…" Orochimaru stated, his eyes trailing upwards. "Wanna make out?"

"IN YOUR DREAMS!"

So Kimimaro soundly beat the chicken shit out of Orochimaru with his spine, tenderizing him into a wad of Snake Sennin. The poor older man was soon reduced to a puddle, which Kimimaro scooped up into a large jug. He wandered down the hall, shouting that he had a snack for Manda. Eventually, Manda gobbled them both up and left feeling content.

That's how the story ends. And as far as I know, Kimimaro never got his thumb back.

**Kage: YEAH! FEEL THE CRACK! FEEEEEEEL IT!**

**Hoshi: Eh, enough of that crap. Sorry if I offended any fangirls in this story. Heck, I'm one too, it wasn't aimed at you. ^_^**

**Even though everyone was somehow captured or destroyed (with the damn exception of Sakura) I love all these characters. (Except for Sakura and Ino. Sorry fanboys.) I hope you enjoyed this fic!**

**Kage: WHOOT! WE'LL BE KABUTARDED FOREVER, BABY! YEAAAAH!**

**Hoshi: **_**-nosebleed-**_** I wanna go to the Smutty Chamber of No Return. They have a Kabuto there. ^w^**


End file.
